Thursday, May 26, 2011

it's just gotta go

Since I should be in bed sleeping right now, I thought it would be a great time to blog. I wish I would have great ideas at a different time of the day, but late at night is the usually the only time I get to sit and do nothing. And then I start to think, and then it's all over. So here I am.
I am on an interesting journey right now in this season of my life. Having lived my life as a major people- pleaser, I want to do everything I can to make sure everyone is happy and that I do everything right. No conflict, no mistakes... the life of a perfectionist. And honestly, it's so tiring. I don't mean irritating or frustrating, I mean really exhausting. It takes a toll on someone mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically to live like that. And it was only a matter of time before Jesus decided that it just had to go. You know, you live your entire life a certain way just thinking that's who you are and that you're great that way, and then one day you have a face-to-face Daddy talk and God just says, nope, that's gotta go. We never arrive. I constantly find myself in those moments where I realize something else that just needs to go. And so I'm on this journey of pleasing God, rather than others, and looking to him for strength rather than trying so hard on my own. And there's so much freedom in that, really. I always end up referencing a movie scene in the middle of spiritual moments. Maybe a fault of mine, but I do it anyways. I was watching Bride Wars, which I found in the $5 movie bin at WalMart. I was really excited about it and I didn't even have to crawl in there to find it, it was actually on top. Incredible! Anyways, these 2 brides are duking it out because their weddings get booked on the same day at the same venue. They are sabotaging hair appointments, spray tanning sessions, etc. And the most amazing scene to me is when Kate Hudson's character is lying in bed and she starts to cry and admits that her best friend is right about her, that it is exhausting trying to be so perfect all the time. And in her moment of realizing that she doesn't have to be perfect all the time comes this raw moment of weakness that in turn brings about beautiful change in her life. So this is not an easy journey, no. And it's not really fun. But I need to journey this one. It's humbling to live in freedom because freedom exposes weakness. And it's painful to let someone down because you just can't do it all without breaking. But this journey is GOOD and NECESSARY. You're going to forget someone's birthday, it's just going to happen. You're going to spill a full drink in your lap, trip in front of everyone, talk out of turn, hurt someone's feelings, and say something you shouldn't say. You're not going to get invited to everything, be best buds with everyone or earn everyone's affections and praise. It's just not possible.
2 Timothy 2:15 says, "Do your BEST to present yourself to GOD as one approved." I am so glad that God does not expect me to win everyone's heart or be a superhero who does everything right. It's so freeing to realize that we've already won his heart, and everything from here on out is simply doing our BEST for HIM!